Diet Plans

Plans that fit your lifestyle and personality

Burn calories as if you were at the gym
Wash away pounds, day in and day out
Print out a menu, then eat it
Prison workers are expert in food preparation

Burn calories as if you were at the gym

Wash away pounds,
day in and day out

Print out a menu, then eat it

Prison workers are expert in food preparation

The best medicine for losing weight
Lose up to 35 pounds in only 21 days
No substitute for oxygen in weight loss
You won’t want to even be within sight of food

The best medicine for losing weight

Lose up to 35 pounds in only 21 days

No substitute for oxygen in weight loss

You won’t want to even be within sight of food

Frozen Food Diet

The basis of any rational diet plan is to burn off more calories than you take in. Exercise is the typical means of increasing the rate of calorie expenditure. Sure, you can walk a mile and burn an additional 60 calories per hundred pounds of body weight, but why spend your time exercising when there is a better way? That's where the Frozen Food Diet comes in. It's easy, it's simple, it's foolproof and it’s inexpensive.

Here's how the Frozen Food Diet works: Simply prepare your meals ahead of time, then freeze them. When you are ready to eat, just pry them out of your freezer, unwrap your portion, chip off a chunk and enjoy. It's that easy! 

By using the caloric energy necessary to heat up the food to a temperature where it can be masticated and swallowed, you'll be burning as many calories as if you were at the gym.* "It's not a big step from iced tea and ice cream," says Barbara Chapman from Las Cruces, New Mexico, "to iced tacos and ice pizza." Just like Barbara, you and your family can now spend your time in front of the TV instead of on a treadmill.

If you prefer home delivery, hundreds of delicious prepackaged frozen entrees from Fat Chance Diets’ kitchen are available starting at just $84.89 for a family of four. Contact us for ordering information.

‍ * Your results may vary.

Full Fear Diet

Diet professionals agree that perspiring is a simple, safe and effective way to lose weight and keep that weight off. But to achieve significant perspiration, your choices have been limited. You could squeeze into uncomfortably crowded saunas, sit in steam baths of questionable hygiene or wear unsightly body wraps. Until now! 

Fat Chance Diets is the first to bring you a revolutionary new and proven way to really sweat pounds away: fear. That's right, honest to goodness fear can make you sweat more than you ever could under artificial conditions.

If you've ever been caught in a gun battle, been attacked by a wild animal, threatened to be thrown from a moving train or contacted by CBS’s “60 Minutes” to review your federal tax returns, then you know the reaction your body has to fear. It undergoes significant changes: Your heart rate increases, your breathing becomes shallow and there is a rapid rise in your body temperature, which triggers your body to perspire — losing loads weight in the process!*

That's where the Full Fear Diet comes in. Approximately once a month, you'll be the recipient of a Full Fear Diet "event." Depending on the information you provide to one of our diet counselors, that event could be a box of poisonous spiders released in your bed, a threatening message from your ex left on your voice mail, the cops stopping your car, your boss assigning you to be the keynote speaker at the next corporate meeting, or any of a thousand other scary situations. (One of our clients beads up at the mere thought of vacationing with Dr. Phil.)

Any of the events we schedule for you is sure to trigger massive sweating. But because you never know when the event will happen, you are constantly in fear, constantly perspiring, literally washing away pounds day in and day out while waiting for the next event.

Full Fear Diet events start at $997. Contact us for more information.

* Your results may vary.

Ink Jet Diet

If you are interested in a high-tech solution to dieting, the Ink Jet Diet may be just the ticket. (Don’t throw away that aging ink jet printer. Instead repurpose it.*) Along with special paper and special calorie injected ink available exclusively from Fat Chance Diets, you can simply print out a description of any fabulous tasting meal — and then eat it! It is that simple.

For instance, if you are restricting your calories to under 1700 per day, just enter that information into your computer, press print, and voila! Your printer delivers three, full-course meals and three between-meal snacks all in delicious full color. All you do is tear or crumple up the pictures and eat them. You'll be amazed at how fast the pounds disappear.** No need to shop. No need to mess up your kitchen. No clean up necessary.

But wait! There's more! Not only are the inks calibrated to dispense just the right amount of calories, they are packed with nutrients, all the vitamins and minerals you need for a healthy diet, and the paper is plenty high in fiber. Both the inks and the paper come in variety of flavors including French, Italian, Chinese, Indian, and Tex-Mex. 

Calorie injected ink cartridges start at $34.56 and nutrient rich printer paper is available for $187.50 per ream. (British paper and ink are on closeout special.) Contact us for more information.

*Refurbished ink jet printers are available from Fat Chance Diets starting at $99.97.

** Your results may vary.

Iraqi Prison Diet

The Iraqi Prison Diet was developed as a partnership among the United States Army, the International Brotherhood of Prison Cafeteria Workers, the United Baker's Association, and the Aquanutrient Group. The Army and prison cafeteria workers provided expertise in food preparation, while the bakers and aquanutritionists supplied the main ingredients (bread and water) upon which the diet is based.

This has become one of our most popular plans ever since former tyrant Saddam Hussein appeared in an Iraqi courtroom to demonstrate that one can change from political strongman to buff spokesthug with a balanced diet and simple confinement.* As a matter of fact, the United States Federal Penitentiary in Dexter, Maine, the Paulo Sarasate Prison in Ceará, Brazil, and all 441 prisons in Indonesia are converting their facilities from penal institutions to diet centers.

Hardback copies of The Iraqi Prison Diet, redacted for civilian use, are available from Fat Chance Diets for $28.95 plus shipping and handling. Contact us for more information.

* Your results may vary.

Laughter Diet

Laughter, it is said, is the best medicine. It is also makes for a great diet. First, because it is impossible to eat and laugh at the same time, laughter prevents the consumption of calories.

Secondly, laughter can actually cause one to expel calories that have been ingested and are in line to be processed. Just ask any beer chugging, college freshman who has blown brew out of his nose during a joke's punch line.

Laughter also increases your heart rate, breathing rate, body core temperature, and your skin's electrical potential, all of which significantly elevate the rate of caloric burn.* Finally, in rare but documented cases, laughers have been able to purge themselves of recently consumed calories as well as calories that have long since been stored as abdominal fat. This phenomenon can occur on the occasion of the delivery of an extremely funny joke and is known in layman's terms as "busting a gut." Approximately 40 cases a year are reported of this literal, though fatal event.

Compilations of jokes, specifically written to get the best belly laughs, can be purchased through the Fat Chance Diets publishing affiliate. Contact us for more information.

* Your results may vary.

Official NBA Diet

We all know the value of eating leafy, green vegetables. And within this category, artichokes are among the tastiest, as well as the most fun to eat. Artichokes are a good source of vitamin C, folate and potassium. They are low in sodium, fat-free and a 12-ounce "choke" is only 25 calories. Artichokes have always been popular with the California fitness set, and following the publication of Artichokes: The Perfect Diet Food in 2019, this odd vegetable has seen even greater demand.

Now the town council of Castroville, California, the undisputed artichoke capital of the world, has introduced what it calls the Official Nothing But Artichoke Diet (Official NBA Diet for short).

This diet is just what it sounds like. For three weeks, a dieter eats nothing but artichokes: artichokes for breakfast, artichokes for lunch, artichokes for dinner. And for snacks? Artichokes. Though you are probably saying to yourself, "This diet is too good to be true," it is true. People have reported a weight loss of up to 35 pounds in only 21 days by eating as much of these peculiar vegetables as they could hold down.*

Select artichokes can be purchased and shipped by Fat Chance Diets preferred vendors. Contact us for details.

* Your results may vary.

Super-Oxygen Diet

When it comes to living life to the fullest, there is no substitute for oxygen. The same can be said about losing weight. Oxygen plays an all-important role.

Demographic studies show that people who live at elevations above 7200 feet are three to four times more likely to be overweight as those who live at sea level. This phenomena is further evidenced by a study commissioned by the National Park Service that found that rangers assigned to work at Death Valley National Park (282 feet below sea level) are 26 percent lighter than those who work at elevations between sea level and 1500 feet.

Although not all of this weight differential can be attributed to differences in oxygen availability, the evidence is clear that the more oxygen-poor the air, the fatter the population. The Super-Oxygen Diet capitalizes on this phenomenon by supplying oxygen therapy to people who live "at elevation." Through a regimen of daily oxygen treatments, where a oxygenating mask is placed over the face at mealtimes, people have watched their weight tumble by dozens of pounds in only a few days.* Moreover, the course of weigh loss on this diet can be accelerated with the addition of Super-Oxygenated Air Capsules.

Super-Oxygen masks, starting at $750, are available in small, medium, large, extra large, double extra large, triple extra large, quadruple extra large and quintuple extra large. Custom fitting is also available for a small additional charge. Contact us for more information.

* Your results may vary.

Wine Diet

The concept behind the Wine Diet is uncannily simple. First begin the preparation of each evening meal by opening a bottle of inexpensive Chardonnay, Merlot or Pino Grigio. Then while preparing the meal, sip often from the uncapped spirits until the bottle is empty.

Once you find yourself on the kitchen floor puking your guts out, you will notice that your appetite has been severely depressed, and it is time to simply go to bed.

In the morning you are unlikely to want to be even within sight of food, much less able to hold it down.* By the afternoon you may be able to tolerate some Melba toast and cottage cheese. And by dinnertime you will probably feel pretty chipper again. Now repeat.

Specialty wines fermented specifically for Fat Chance Diets are available starting at $11.99. You may also want to purchase the companion book Wine Diet: Drink Yourself Thin. Contact us for more information.

* Your results may vary.

Copyright © 2007-2020 Fat Chance Diets. These contents may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without our express written consent. If you use any of our stuff without asking first, we'll certainly be pissed off, and may just sue your ass for good measure. Fat Chance Diets is not associated with any legitimate weight management program or entity. (That works out just fine because no reputable weight management program or entity would wish to be associated with us.) Proper names used on this website, unless those of public figures or entities, are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental. And in case you haven't figured it out, the diet plans, books, supplements and products presented here are fiction and should not be employed in any way. Their presentation is intended for entertainment only.